Bliss

 

 

 

Sometimes life gives us these incredible moments of unbridled joy. Pure happiness and love embrace us, and as our minds drink in the contentment of a perfect moment, life’s challenges seem less daunting, memories less painful.

July 2013 was a gift. This is the first summer in two years that I have not been in the hospital, and I was given the opportunity to celebrate. Not in the conventional “balloons and cake” sense—this was a little more abstract, and more meaningful than I could have imagined. I spent an entire month doing things that wouldn’t have been possible when I was sick. I visited my family for two weeks, I laughed and cried with my cousin (my first, and best friend), I ate pancakes in a parking lot while watching people dance to live music at the Calgary Stampede, I watched my “little” cousin marry an amazing woman I’m proud to call family, and I drank in every single moment of our time together. I spent so many years completely detached from happiness and enjoyment that I found myself, many times, taking a step back to truly appreciate this experience.

One week later, I saw my precious friend. We met in treatment (we started the same day), and spent 3 months together, inseparable (believe me, they tried and failed). Our friendship formed because we both had eating disorders and were seeking treatment at the same time, but I truly believe we met each other for a reason. We’ve remained very close as our journeys take us towards life, and this year we got to spend a week together, without hospitals, meal plans, or overwhelming food fears and restrictions.

Seeing her happy and glowing, watching her eyes sparkle as we talked until early in the morning about everything made me appreciate her even more. I don’t often think about the danger we were both in, but I know there was a very good chance that we could have never met. To see us both in a place of health warmed my heart. We lived like crazy that week! Spontaneous overnight trips, little night time adventures, serious talks, hours of laughter. I enjoyed every second, and food was just an accessory to our time together. I didn’t dread or obsess over anything we ate-my focus was on my time with her.

As I traveled back home, towards reality and routine, I couldn’t shake the lump in my throat. I don’t think it was that sad, empty feeling I used to get when saying goodbye-it was incredibly hard saying goodbye to everyone, but the sadness was overpowered by gratitude and joy. I’m well enough to do these things now! I don’t have to watch everyone else living life while I destroy mine–I’m an active participant. And that, my friends, makes all those years of struggle, in my honest opinion, completely worth it.

xoxo,

B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been blessed by an almost unmeasurable number of these, beautiful “memory snapshots”

 

“There are two …

“There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don’t.”
― Lemony Snicket

Fear is a funny thing. It can be incredibly helpful – when afraid, we can react quickly and instinctively to impending danger. This is super important…when there is actual  danger present. Unfortunately, we also experience fear when there is no logical reason to feel this way. I knew in my logical brain that the spider I found on my window sill last night was not going to put me in any danger, but you could have fooled my sympathetic nervous system!

I believe it’s important to listen to our feelings, but I also think it’s necessary to consider what might be driving them. 

I was so afraid of food that it took me a long time to even realize that it was irrational. I knew, just knew that if I gained weight, my life would be over. I don’t mean ‘over’ in a melodramatic, “woe is me,” sense. I mean, I truly felt I would actually die if I ate normally, when the opposite was true. I was in medical danger because I hadn’t been eating.

After a couple years of giving into that debilitating fear, and consequently making myself sicker and sicker, someone encouraged me to look at why food was so scary. What was my eating disorder doing for me? Eventually, I realized that I wasn’t actually afraid of gaining weight. I was afraid of not having something to control. I was going through some things that I really didn’t have any control over, and being able to measure, calculate, and control what went into my body gave me the illusion that I was coping, that life wasn’t overwhelming, that I could make it through. After I realized that, I was able to begin healing and moving on with life.

Sometimes, our irrational fears cover up fears that are totally rational. Our feelings are always valid, even when they’re not rational. I’m not telling you to discount your fears, or to criticize yourself when you feel afraid.  I encourage you to acknowledge your fear, think about what it’s telling you, and explore the idea of pushing through it with compassion if you feel it’s safe to do so.

xoxo,

B

 

 

Hello World!

This is an ED recovery blog. It’s an account of the daily challenges and victories of a twenty-something woman who is recovering from an eating disorder.  I will do my best to make sure what appears here is trigger-free! You will NOT see the following: numbers, details on ED behaviours, diet tips,”thinspo,” “fitspo,” or anything that promotes an unhealthy lifestyle. I’d like to think of this blog as the antithesis to the overabundance of “pro-ana” and “pro-mia” floating around in cyberspace.

Hopefully this blog will encourage, challenge, and inspire you to seek the life you deserve,as writing about my experience encourages me to do the same!

 

Reason #1 why recovery rocks…

PEANUT BUTTER!

 

 

Do I even need to say anything else?